2010 Will Be Six Years Ago Tomorrow

03.12 AM, I just got myself in my bed. Been hanging out all day but definitely going to sleep slightly uncontented. Didn't finish any paper for the finals. And there're still two papers left.

Apparently I am drowning in this sunken ship called anxiety for the last two months. I just stop doing things. Studying don't go very well, I delayed couple of tasks. Project at work is finished for the year, it really is exhausting so I resign soon after. Another project at campus is also finished, just as exhausting both for the body and the soul so I vow myself not to get involved ever again.

I cursed myself for being too busy. For being unavailable to me. For not having a space to think about me. Then I followed my head to stop doing things and started to look up on me. I was happy the first week of not doing anything, but I am not up until now.

Having nothing to do leads me to think more. Back again on what I'm going to do with my life, what I'm good at, basically on how I suppose to do things. And I have no idea about it. At all.

In addition to that, I'm started to have a lot of spare time I need to waste but have no one to company me on that-wasting-my-time-thing. Will be 22 next year and still running after a particular blurry image. Unfortunately that particular blurry image sets my standard up to its standard. It is a rare one, probably only an extremely few people has it and I haven't met the other prototype.

That particular blurry image also leave a blurry space inside me. No piece of solid jigsaw can complete it. So it left this not-so-huge-but-pretty-visible hole in me.

People around me can tell the hole is leaking. They can see that I'm incomplete. Like the light in my eyes are dimmed. Like I'm a living corpse. Like I am not whole.

I keep trying and running into different things and people for the last two months. Always a trial and error. They say sometimes you win, sometimes you learn. And I learn a lot I'm starting to get pretty sick of it.

I cannot cry, I don't feel any solid sadness. I cannot read, the silence in my head is too loud. I cannot draw, I can't bare to add some dread line since all of them are always on black and white.

And then tomorrow is another new year. Most part of me taking the line "new year, new me" religiously. Can I please at least stop myself from chasing after the unsteady? Please, self, I need to stop. Pretty please?