The Pre-departure

No, it's not yet July 16th, it's also not amidst the deep of the night. In fact, it's 14th in the daylight, and I'm sitting down listening to some random music, in front of my desk, at the office, after having junkfood for my lunch a while ago.

Yes, I am what they called the salaryman. For a year now I (think) have succeeded going through another life shifting. Still a nocturnal, only it's in the weekend basis, just like probably half of the total human being on earth. I even decided to write this piece of grateful minute just in case I'm going to be out there anywhere, wasted or crashed into nowhere when the date occured. But no, the passage I've just mentioned is not necessarily related to bad things. It, well, probably would be, but will be under my whole consent and control. It will go thoroughly under my rational judgement and supervision. I promise.

Now while we are at it, why don't we uhm.. start by thanking my old 20 years old-self for initiating this annual writing tradition of what of a hell I've been through, in conjuction to me catching a light that I'm no longer a teenager, successfully bidding my adieu to my something-teen years. Even though it still caused a huge swollen eyes the next day. However, the past is in the past, and I can tell this is going to be another bright of a few notes I'm going to post. And I'm sure there won't be a huge swollen eyes in the morning later. I sincerely hope for that one.

This year, another clarity hits the 22-very soon to be-23 years old me. If anyone ever said that you will become this kind of living robot if you undergone the life of 9 to 5, that's true. And I've came to a realisation that this robot label is just another way of people saying the word discipline. You seem to be sort of heartless, but no, it's an exhaustion you get from the traffic jam (in my case). But truth to be told, the decision of me picking such a life was one of the best decision ever. Not that I haven't gone through the phase of cursing the capital life and its people with only a pinch of soul. In contrary, that really enriches me in every way.

For a few months of the early days of working, I cursed a lot too for everytime I need to wake up early in the morning, catching the fully loaded commuter, and coming home exhausted. But I'll be fair, I'm mostly cursing about my incapability of catching up in mostly everything, especially things in the office. The people, the work, the coworker, everything was a full package of hell on earth. Yes, it's in a past tense.

In a span of a year I finally got to relate that famous imperative sentence of "Get your life together!" and how to actually implement it. There are so many things happening throughout that 22 number I'm having. The work as I said, was hell in the beginning. I only began to automatically wake up before my alarm does after sort of 7 months of working (and yes for that time being I ALWAYS come later than anyone). My defence was a classic adagium of old habits die hard, and that my future self, is an utter and selfish bullshit you are trying really hard to shove into your head. Keep it in mind that the only thing that die hard is John McClane. See, I'm old, I even started to throw myself a joke. In addition to that shitty habit of mine, I'm granted a (occasionally) shitty coworker as well. I don't know but I feel like she is really into vintages she even treats her keyboard as that loud old typewriter. This one might sound really spoilt of me, but in the name of any God you believe in, try sitting next to her at least a week, then go ahead and judge me. Not only her habitual loud typing which clearly affects my work as a creative editor/writer/occasionally account executive/coder/basically anything my supervisor wants me to be, her behaviour is as loud and really affects me emotionally somehow. This includes her munch, her step, even her breath. She has that behaviour of mumbling about how tired and how big her workload is. And I learn that you unconsciously absorb every vibe people posses that's close to you, and in my case it's a bad one. Please once again, try living next to her 5 days in a week, 9 hours in a day for 12 months straight. Well, in the other hand, she is kind. Not quite understanding, especially in picking the right spare time to have a small talk while I'm writing, but she is kind.

I originally decided to take the job for the sake of curiosity to be honest, well.. with an addition of mum's threat of taking me back home and marry me with someone she chooses (lel). Anyway, not for the job itself, but for how much and how hard people told you to not do the jumping before it's too late and you are drowning and dead. And I eventually made the jump which apparently led me drowning for a while. Yes, it only took me a while as when it was really hard for me to breath every morning and in the noon at the commuter, seeing all those tired face got me trying to describe how these people's life are with all the bills, demands, and the further need of seeking and giving as much of the best for their loved ones, while I'm here doing it for myself and its blunt ambition, for the sake of the appreciation of others. Those people you called robots are a fighter, and a mere salut will never be enough to appreciate what they do and how hard they do it. With every access and privilege I have, my fight is not in an incomparable level to them.

However, the sun isn't always shining. There are times I feel really exhausted that I regret my decision, basically regret all this goddamn adulthood living. I've encountered many times of the feeling that I don't really have the urge to come straight home since no one is going to be waiting for me. It is somehow a wake up call that the loniless of living by my own has never really hit me this hard for the last 4 years. This sense of longing didn't really occur that much with the hectic and messy life of a student I suppose. And yes for that reason, I curse my snobbish teenager-self for claiming that I don't need anyone and even further, I don't need to marry anyone to be happy. Turns out happiness is only good when it's shared, and that apparently is not a cheesy corny American drama-made bullshit.

Relating to the issue, I always stand proudly under the shadow of cutting the whole potential of me fucking up a commitment to someone based on the failure my parent encountered. It apparently only needs a kick of a good wake up, that in order to be an independent and strong woman doesn't mean I need to lie to myself. The reasoning based on my parent's failure is never a rational reason now I realise, since a different soul leads a different path of life. It is never a preventive act to avoid every possibility. It is a fear, and I know it's the demon I need to overcome. To imagine there will be a junior me, living the same life as I did, to found it weird calling certain address once again after years of absence, to found it exhausting to explain to people in the right manner and to close the possibility of further explanation on why I don't look quite similar to my brother or why our age span to each other is very much apart was scaring me to death. What if this doesn't work out well? What I'm gonna do? How am I gonna continue my life? How do I fix a mess that has been made? And the only thing to answer those question is I don't know. And logically, self-proclaiming as a highly rational and critically-thinking person, to figure things out is by first trying. We made mistake, we learn where things go wrong, we try it once again, if it's succeeded then good, if it's not and unfixable then should better put it aside. And really honey, nothing lasts forever. Everything has its own expiration date. All we got to do is try it out while it's good and make the best out of it.

Further to the "sharing" issue, now I'm very soon to be 23 and when mum in my age was started to cut her breastfeeding off to me, I guess it is now the right time for me to fully embrace the idea of love (still yuck, though). Please, it's inevitable. I don't know whether it's affection or a dull lust and ambition, but as a hard-headed and dominant kind of woman (yes I am, a woman already) there is this particular one that has got me head over the heels. I don't know if it's going to work between us, but let me write this as a reminder: Astrid, the guy you are madly in love with when you are 22, that mind wanderer, is your new standard, do not settle for less, ever. And if this ever going to work, don't forget to say on behalf of this old-self, a grateful for carefully and deliberately leading a slow dance in this fast-pace and everything-instant world we're living in. Not going to write much about this particular one here, as uhm... I've written the last four about him? Yeah.

Well, whatever it is that I have been through this year, I guess it's only a matter of me finally making peace with myself. I am really, trying really really hard to let things go. All the bad ones. Without any unfinished business tag in it. Now that you are soon to be 23, remember Astrid, you feel very content about your life while you are writing this piece. You even present yourself a new journey in a new city later in the next month. So yeah, financially (soon to be) stable, decided to move to another city when actually got a decent job with a decent bid in a whole new field, have that someone to share even the deepest thought and the most silly ones, and the most important of all, finally feeling content. What is it to not be grateful about, Astrid?