The Emerging Past & Overwhelming Truth

Which one is better, the bitter truth or a sweet lie? I bet we all agree to choose none of both. 2018 marked the year of constant anxiety, raveling most of my essence and being. I was reminded of how I was the 2 years before with all the mind racing and numbness--the sole reason why this writing has just come out in the second week of January. December wasn't a very much friendly closure for me. Only this time I have a company. Let me spare a paragraph or two to keep him alive forever through my writing.

This company of mine, let's say, entirely the antithesis of my so called ideal figure. However to my surprise, I finally get to feel completely loved with no remorse--as how I would state my remorse was to leave numbers of people who actually love me and still aching of being left behind. With this company of mine, I don't need to take my coat off, instead he infiltrates through those invisible fissures.

Saying meeting him was not the part of the plan may seem cliche now, but that is the fact that has been served on my plate. Or let me put it this way, being deeply cared by someone wasn't the part of the plan. With the upbringing that's making me how I am today, the sense of being an apparently significant part of something and someone is such a perplexing concept. It saves me and chokes me at the same time.

I have no idea how to keep up because all I've earned was wistful affections. I don't know how to love like a sunny day of a savannah. Instead, I took him to my shitshow of horror ride. He faded for a while, but to my surprise he got up and still offering his hand to help me get up as well. So there it is, this company of mine introduces and actually presents me the concept of calm love, the serenading affection. Somehow it feels extremely relieving to have someone reliable when the demon takes me over, I can't thank him enough for that.

For all the downside and truth that have been slowly revealed, I survive, while at the same time try ditching multiple times of suicidal thoughts and monstrousities. And I'll give myself a credit for that. Walk slowly, shall we now?