Searching for Myself in The Map

And so it happens again. Life, is, a constant cycle of ups and downs. One minute you're up there flowing in the sky, next thing you know you are sinking in six feet below the ground. One day you feel grateful and life's beautiful, the next day you come back wishing for everything to end. A classic tale at its best.

It's April, and it's still on the raining season here in Bandung. I like it here, I do. My main reason? Definitely because I am far enough from everyone close to me. It is a blessing in disguise.

It's not that I hate everyone, it's mostly--only recently that I realize, that it is one of my incapability. I am incapable to accept any kind of lenient gesture thinking I should return the favor. I know that's a very simple minded of me to have my head thinking as such, but I can't help. I am trying to always catch up with the moment but all I added was another unsincerity-like. And slowly it draught myself up to the point I don't think it's necessary anymore. Once I take it as an unnecessary piece to do, I will make sure to pull myself back. I will lost the trace of myself later.

And it happens. I can no longer see the trace of me anywhere. I know it's a consequence I have to bear. No one wants to be a lone wolf even if they claim so since life can be lonely sometime. But the decision I took could possibly save me. I am, by the end of the day, the only one that can save myself from all thought happening inside of my head.

This naive self of me still thinking I still would like to taste the little bit of sweetness in life. That I still have the chance of deserving it.

I sometimes would like to take part in blaming anyone else so it won't be too burdening. But then I came to realization, when it comes to one's life, it is the their own self that held accountable. Not the mother, not the father, not the partner, not anyone else.

Then it can break you and you need to get back on you feet, then it breaks you again, the cycle continues. On some points, it gets me thinking, I know I'm never going to be steady, I already am a cripple, I can't find myself anywhere in anyone's life framed images, why not stopping now? Every answer leads to the stop sign, but maybe I am too weak and coward to follow put.

I am exhausted..